My Really Old Friends

The calendar tells me I’m an old guy (64 but for only another 2 months).  So do my memories of old people years ago as anyone back in the day over age 60 I considered a relative relic.  My walks through museums now feature my childhood toys and my children’s books and furniture.  So now I think of old people as those over 75, (ah, grace) and I hang around a few nearby 75 plussers.

I also learn from those seasoned folk across the country.  J. I. Packer, soon to turn 84 and author of numerous books, most famous of which is Knowing God, is my current fuddy buddy.  Of course, he does not know that: we’ve yet to meet.  God willing this September, Betty and I will get a face-to-face with this modern sage at a conference in Texas.  Professor/theologian Packer, considered a curiosity even among his rapidly decreasing Anglican Christians, has been speaking to a younger house of faith for more than 5 decades.

J. I. (close old friends call him “Jim”) speaks to truth, to finding it and hugging it.  How?  Packer’s books and his life declare we do well to pull alongside God and becoming a God-lover-student.  Why do this?

Try this Packerism: “The uncertainty and confusion about God which marks our day is worse than anything since Gnostic theosophy tried to swallow Christianity in the second century.“  WHO talks like that anymore?  Maybe people with the perspective of at least 8 decades.  You can’t blow off quotes like that—let alone, answer him easily—-even when I realize I can’t remember meeting any “gnostic theosophists” at Walmart.  That quote also hints that God is probably larger than my last experience of His nearness.  Or my next one.

Point here?  Who is older in your circle, near or distant, that you connect with to understand, learn from, or just bounce off your own latest fads, interests, passions or crises? I need wise people around me, men and women who have walked where I now walk, and made it.  Scarred maybe, sidetracked occasionally, but still teachable, durable and maturing.  I need face-to-face folk, but I can do distance-learning too.

Find or reconnect with that wiser, old[er] person.  Today.  I did, and I found refreshment for my own soul.  And you?

Snow Horror Story?

I’m now homebound for the 4th day of iced roads and driveway along with barely thawing snow.  Loved the snow, sledding, a bit of time with grandkids here, thanks to their parents’ 4 wheel drive vehicle.  But we found a [to you?] mild horror.

We discovered a mouse….drowned in our downstairs toilet. Yes, I’ll spare you the picture and the alerting screech from Betty or the look on my face as I borrowed tongs to retrieve said rodent from a swirly finish…flushing didn’t seem wise or right.  He is now over our backyard fence, a gift to our occasionally visiting owls.  Not sure what I’ll do with those former food tongs (another disgusting horror).

Betty is still making faces over that mouse-in-house discovery.  I’m guessing the snow drove the little guy inside.  I thought snow was supposed to be fun, if confining, but not horror-producing.

So, if you’ve had snow recently (most of the nation!), have you had a horror—mild, hopefully—that went with it?

NOW, I’m ready for Spring…at least a month away (sigh).  Or a cat?

Connects and disconnects

It’s been a week and I still have no internet.  At home.  Already tried tech support at my “provider” [what a term!], etc., and they promise by today I might have it back.  I’m skeptical, but I wait.  And, so I’m connected here at my office for email, etc.  At home, I admit I feel disconnected, but I actually find I love the quiet.  For now.  I also watched the plug for Apple’s new IpAd last night, momentarily slobbering, then in a sober moment thinking, “but internet can still crash on an Ipad, then what?”

At the same time, I’m excited about ramping up a new season of Men’s Fraternity next Tuesday with over 40 guys.  In addition, this Sunday Betty and I begin an 8 week Marriage Prep class for more than 20 couples.   I love the connections there and what happens when guys or couples connect with each other and learn together and find healthier marriages and healthier manliness through connections to others.  Yes, those group sharing times may be more fragile than the internet, but they also go deeper, are true face-to-face and I find my own “guyness” and, yes, my own marriage strengthened by learning with and from others.  Today is my day to think about disconnected and connected settings.  Hmmm.

So, where are you disconnected today, or where do you need to be, even if for a short season?  And where do you need to make a connection? Any past disconnects may get back through Facebook or an actual written note (wow!).  A future connection/friend could come from volunteering, writing a note, making a call or just being in a place (club, workplace, even a church) where once again you say “I need a connection.  I need to not see myself as the center of my life.”

Maybe that’s one reason I enjoy that early morning hot coffee, my rocking chair and my seat by a big window at home to watch the birds feed.  And there I actually meet God and find myself strangely refreshed.  Connection made.

So, get connected somewhere.

Today.

Make the effort.

Repair connections if you can.

And enjoy the quiet from an occasional brief disconnect.

Finding Hope…Implied

Today is my day to offer commentary and observations on the book of Proverbs, chapter 26.  It’s part of a 31 day challenge at Cross Point Church (feel free to join the discussion gang).

As I read this Proverbs chapter 26, at first I thought “this Solomon guy has A.D.D. worse than I do!”  He bounces off a few observations about learning from nature.  At v. 4 he rants for several verses about lazy people.  Then by v. 18 he’s jumped to one-liners about the subtleties and consequences of deceptive speech.

Okay, I’ve done all of these, maybe not at Sol’s speed, but the one trail that stings the most is “deceptive speech.”  When I speak, teach, even read a simple story to a grandchild, I’m amazed at how “exaggeration” can creep into my talk, and, as a friend once told me, “I’ve told myself a million times I’ve got to stop exaggerating!“  Hmmm.

I don’t think I’m lazy in behavior and in my speech just because I’m a southerner.  Still, [ya’ll?], I occasionally catch myself trying to exaggerate a story, embellish a report, or leave out some crucial point just to make myself look good or to avoid responsibility.

I can also throw “lazy talk” when I make a crisis more than it is (former father of teenagers talking here).  Or I find I have to redo a project because I would not read instructions, take my time to carefully fit delicate parts or to ask for help.

It’s hard for an energetic guy like me to admit I’m still lazy in some areas of my life.  I’m stunned to hear my own voice say, “I just don’t want to do that; I’d rather make up an excuse than face the truth.” It’s much harder for me to say, “I need to end this deal, not accept that offer, negotiate a better time to do that task, to write that letter or make that call.”  THEN I have to rehearse what I might answer, make sure I have a story straight, or truthfully accept responsibility for not finishing an errand as well as I wanted to.

In a chapter filled with negative observations, the hope of Proverbs 26 is implied.  Better to do the hard work than constantly seek what’s deceptive, expedient or convenient because those ways are not durable, not a way to finish well at the end of a day, a week or a season in life.  Even A.D.D. people get that one.   Whatever I need to confront, repair like that broken kitchen stool Betty wants fixed, or address like getting this blog up (40 minutes late thanks to computer glitches!),  guess what, sports fans?  I continue to find that doing the durable hard work beats “lazy” or “shoddy” every time.

So, where are you tempted to be lazy, take the easy way, deceive yourself or others around you, take the short-cut, instead of being the worker, crafter, wise speaker or listener in your own life?

Time to do it?

Confession here today: our Christmas decorations are still up….well, some are down, but there’s a lighted tree upstairs…

January is nearly OVER!!! What’s the matter with me, Betty, both of us?  Truthfully, I wish a hired hand would just take all the stuff down/away.  So does Betty.  And there are a few stacks of train magazines I need to sort through, a junk room, a lousy vacuum cleaner that needs replacing (they all come from Hell, which is one of many reasons I won’t go there!).  Our internet at home just crashed this morning, and tech support was NO help at all, so I now must call a nearby “pro.”

Before you ask if I’d like some cheese “with your whine,” I’m aware that why I do what I do, or don’t do, is the reward. I ask a lot selfishly, “what’s in it for me?”  Awful?  Yes, but true.  My habits got there because of some need I wanted met…to play, to worship, to do good work, to have friends, to have a decent home, to take a nap or feel more educated.  Maybe your list is different, but you don’t do what you do—-good habit or bad—-without a reason or a felt need to be met.

Here’s my question to you and me: why do you do/act like you do in a certain setting? Or refuse to do something (Merry late Christmas tree, Tom!)?  What need does that weird behavior meet in you?  Acceptance?  Space away from others?  Letting people know you’re out of patience?  Tired?  Confused?  Longing for a better environment at home or work? I know part of why I run to model trains is my need to play, and I love stuff with wheels.  Shallow, but real.

That Christmas tree won’t remove itself.  Somehow in the next day….or so…I’ll work to get ready for what’s next, if no other reason than I don’t want the belated holiday ridicule of my family and a few friends.  Hey, maybe THAT’S why I need to get the Christmas tree out of sight!  But I’d rather check my DVR list when I get home instead (sigh).

Cheatin’ vs. Cheating

Today, I’ve watched a few marriages head south.  I’ve also helped a few folks eager to get married as soon as possible.  And, pausing a moment, I’m amused to find that it’s hard work to keep up with my own marriage to a fascinating creature called Betty.

In the past week, I’ve seen people make marital decisions based on hormones over commitments and watched as desire trumps the hard work of seeking forgiveness or trying once again.  I’m no fan of abusive relationships, but research and my own observations report that most relationships are in need of repairs, not removal.  Borrowing from yesterday, some of us need to cheat somebody or something to keep a marriage going, if we are married.

My point?  Why do we give up and allow distractions to tear into our marriages? If not another person, it can be a hobby, too much time at work, being lazy or even too much time serving some church activity or organization.  My honest wife will fuss when she feels neglected or ask “how can we make this better?” so I can’t get away with neglect or diversions in my own marriage.  Thank, literally, God.

Like Donald Trump recently reported, I’m tempted to yell that I work hard at work; I expect relationships, especially marriage, to be easy.  Major misread, DT, but you probably know that.  Worse, I do too.  Marriage, okay, anything worthwhile, has elements or seasons of hard work.  Maybe what’s missing is a celebration when you do make it through a season: you get the job interview and the job; you pay off the note; you solve the crisis, repair the busted whatever or replace it.  Or you find a new adventure in the same familiar settings.

So, today, I am saying to myself, “Tom, keep at it.”  Work hard at your marriage, but watch distractions and side trails.   Even this blog can be one, right?  If you’re married, join me in this effort, okay?  If you are not, nudge a married friend who’s thinking of giving up to get some help.  Or try our Great Mates website.  Today, I cheat cheatin’ by working to make my marriage exciting, worthwhile and even fulfilling.  Even after 41 years of marriage.

My goal today is to look forward to going home to be with one who continues to be with me.  Betty’s worth it.  God, I am truly a blessed man.  May you find the reward of hard work on a relationship.  Soon.

Trying to cheat…somewhere

My to-do list has gotten too long today.  Not just “honey-do’s” around our house, but friend(s), family, hobby buddies and several gatherings where I just either did not show up or could not give the time.  I’m supposed to be better at this than this.

I’m realizing today, to quote the title of a popular Andy Stanley book, that I am Choosing to Cheat in several areas.  While that book opened my eyes a couple of years ago….premise being that you are going to cheat someone out of some time with you every day because you cannot possibly be organized enough, disciplined enough or punctual enough to give everyone what they deserve as some one will feel you cheated them.  So?  So live with that and decide who(m) you will cheat today.  Your spouse or partner?  Your kids or parents?  Your work?  Church? Social club or hobby group?  Or do you let whomever screams loudest to dictate how you spend your time?  The book is actually helpful, though the answers not easy.   Today, I need that book or at least its lessons.

I work in a place where my boss actually said at one point, “if you have to cheat somewhere, cheat this workplace.”  I laughed when he said it, but today I’ve needed to hear that, and yes, I’m at work and I’ll get most of work done today that truly needs it.

My rambling has a point.  I wonder who feels cheated by you today, and trust me, someone does. How do you choose whom to cheat so you can do what is important, maybe urgent, a priority or a need…like a nap?   I am comforted that Jesus only had about 3 years to do all his work, teaching, healing, commissioning, and on His cross, one account says He uttered the words, “It [my work] is finished.“   I’m not Jesus, but, hopefully in better circumstances, I’d like to finish like that.  I doubt I can say that today, so while I cheat someone (GOD?!), I’ll work toward finishing something.  Like this.  Now.

Help for Haiti and You

By the hour we are hearing overpowering death and injury statistics following the massive earthquake in Haiti.   Two questions now hurl themselves into the air: WHY? and WHAT’S NEXT? Unlike pundits and prophets, I cannot answer the WHY.

As for WHAT’S NEXT, I’ll link you to my colleague Pete Wilson and his blog today. Thank you, Pete, for a direction.  Since I, too, have been in the nearby Dominican Republic two years ago, I have some feel for the need now unfolding in the area.

Certainly organizations like The American Red Cross, World Vision and Samaritan’s Purse are already on the scene or quickly arriving.  My own background as a Presbyterian pastor gives me a link to the Presbyterian Disaster Fund, and as more churches, organizations and kind-hearted people respond, I look for a mountain of help.

I’m also reminded of one of the best things anyone ever said, or I can say to answer WHAT’S NEXT…it’s the phrase “Help is on the way.” I say it to couples in crisis, to people stuck on the side of the road, to failure and disappointment in my own life (well, people have said it to me then!), often not knowing exactly what that help would even look like.   Today, my challenge to you is find someone to say that to…”Help is on the way.“  Your partner, your child, your work colleague, your employee, maybe even your boss, someone headed into surgery or out of the courtroom may need desperately to hear those words.

When I pray, I have to remember this.  God Himself promises in the words of Jesus  “I will never leave you nor forsake you,” and yes, that means that Help truly is on the way.

By the way, if you care, give, send or sacrifice, do you know you ARE that help?

So amidst the mysterious WHYs of life, today, for someone in Haiti or the casual conversation, try to be the help that is truly on the way. 

You could be what’s next.

Marriage Upgrades

I’ve reported that Betty and I have just finished a grand weekend at a church nearly 700 miles away.   Aside from the interaction with lots of couples who lead a great church, we keep learning that our own marriage is a work in progress.  Here’s what we came back teaching and working on, and this fits for marrieds or singles:

1. It is hard to listen to your partner. Okay, draining, exhausting and takes repeated effort….”so let me try it one more time, it sounded to me like you were saying…..did I get that right?” Is this why I have trouble listening to God?

2. We have to schedule fun. Schedule romance.  Schedule quiet.  Schedule repairs, bills, tasks, and making a schedule.  Otherwise, everything else schedules us.  I’m still waiting for a Blackberry or iPhone app to fix this!

3. If we don’t pray together, we feel disconnected. From God.  From each other.  And we identify ourselves as Christ-followers.  If I don’t ask Betty daily, “How can I pray for you today?” I’m just selfish.  Better yet, ask, “so what are you looking forward to today?“  Listen for the answer.  Then ask, “and what are you concerned about or afraid of today?” Listen again.   THEN pray.  Yes, Betty asks that of me as well.  And she prays.  Then we give each other a great romantic kiss.  Call it re-dating.  I call it handing each other back to God.

So, how do you keep upgrading your relationships? If you think marriage cures the relationship blues, read this column one more time.  I will.

Worship Horizons

I’m writing from Greenville, North Carolina, where Betty and I are leading a marriage retreat at a savvy megachurch called Covenant, led by a dynamic pastor Brandon Sweets.  We’ve worshipped today with about 3,000 new friends, and spent time doing a marriage weekend with their staff and leaders, about 300 folks.

Covenant is another of these horizon churches welcoming a generation of people who are suspicious of church or just don’t like “traditional church.”  It’s media savvy, joyous worship with a full band—including trombones and trumpets!  Two differences have struck me this weekend: 1) there are elderly people heavily seasoning this mega church, and yes, they are mentoring and enjoying influencing the young and 2) this is a mainline Methodist church that has done a turnaround and rebadged itself for outreach.   The Methodist bishop even approves I am told!

One of their staff who used to serve with me in a Presbyterian church, longtime friend executive director Charlie Halley summarized the transition this way: “Tom, the first 1500 years of the Church, we heard the Bible, then when Gutenberg/the printing press came along in the 1500’s we read the Bible, now we SEE the Bible on screens, videos and Powerpoint.”   Same content, different presentation.  Different culture or at least different media.

I also notice these churches use a new terminology: 

visitors are “guests”

bulletins are “programs”

and sermons are “messages.” 

Oh, and these churches are pulling in the children and grandchildren of people my age.  If you are church-burned, or think “church” is boring or out-of-touch, these churches on the horizon are a refreshing opportunity to find a faith that works along with discovering opportunities to make a change in the lives of others.

Now I am asking myself once again, how do you keep the message fresh with irresistible environments without selling out the changeless content of forgiveness, mercy and life transformation?  Some churches and leaders get this, others are fighting even small changes with a resentment that is astonishing.

Here’s my question: do you know what needs to change in how you live your faith as you walk with God?  Do you also know what needs to remain durable, constant and solid in your faith?  What do you think of trying to see the church on the next horizon?